June 29, 2012

The Honest and Ugly Truth (This could be lengthy)

   So, it hit me yesterday that I have not been honest with myself or on this blog for a very long time. Well I haven't been honest with myself longer since the blog has only existed a few months. I digress, I realized that while I have said I want to change and that I am trying, I really haven't been. I  haven't been honest about all my thoughts, feeelings, and attempts to get better. Basically, I have gone through the motions, and while I have made some improvements, I am not where I want to be or need to be, or even really sometimes where I have said I am. So, here it goes, here are ALL the truths about my whole hot mess self, the good, bad and ugly:

 1. I really do like food. I do.
 2. I am scared of food. I let it have power over me.
 3. I really do want to learn to cook. I even have a stash of cookbooks at home, unopened nonetheless.
 4. I have a sweet tooth. My Grandma's italian creme cake is my absolute favorite.
 5. I do really like tofu. Honestly. Try it.
 6. I tend to stay in bad food patterns because I get scared to branch out. Often out of fear of  "getting fat".
 7. I know that if I fuel myself better I will see results I want  to see. I also know I would feel better overall. But for some reason I stop myself. Everytime.
 8. I know if I let myself follow the idea of "everything in moderation" I would be much more satisfied and   my cravings I get sometimes (very badly) would cease.
9.  Letting go of all these issues is scary. They have been ingrained so long. They are a part of me.
10. I want people who have been close to me through this to really stop addressing that I have these issues, to help me move forward. To stop acknowledging it.
11. I want more than anything a balance between nutrition, food, exercise, life.
12. I feel overwhelmed with the amount I read and have read on what, when, how, to eat. I really want to create my own path in this.
13. I know that I can really do this. I hold myself back everytime for reasons I really can't explain.
14. I do not want these issues to effect my life anymore. I don't want them to have control.
15. After all of the therapy, nutrition advice, counseling, training, I have finally realized I will be ok with all this if I commit to it. And let go of some things.
16. I know in my heart it is time to let go of this. That it really is "old news" (sounds like something Mom would say).
17. I do not want to say the words "I am trying" one more time and be lying
18. I really would like to adhere to the 80/20 lifestyle principle.
19. I would eventually love to help others who have been through similar cirumstances. I am even considering getting a personal training certification.
20. I become more and more frustrated with myself and angry with myself the longer I stay in this pattern. Sometimes it feels like being locked in my own jail cell in my head.
21. I do like to track my food and exercise. And some days I hate it.
22. I want to be able to eat out at a restaurant and not worry. Not fuss. Not think about the calories. To order what I want. Enjoy the company.
23. I want to be at parties and not fuss about the goodies I eat.I want to be able to enjoy myself, the party, the people all while listenening to my body. To not starve myself basically all day because I know I will be indulging and then later when I do indulge, feel bad about myself. Or feel overly miserably stuffed.
24. I want to enjoy vacations and little staycations and not fuss about squeezing in exercise.
25. I know that if I let go of this, the stress of this, that I will feel better about it all, about myself, about my body. I am my own stressor. My own worst enemy of sorts.
26. I want to be at peace with myself. I want to be at peace with food. I want to be at peace with my body.

     So there it is. All laid out for the world to see. This is scary. I have never even opened up and said these thoughts to people who have been closest to me through this all including my therapist and nutritionist. But, I feel I need to put it out there to make myself accountable, to read it and see that it really is time to change. I am putting it all on the line and hoping someone out there helps to hold me accountable. Any takers? I also hope that if someone else is going through even something remotely similar that this, that I, helped them. As a close friend of mine and I always say "I'm over it" and I am. I really am going to try to be. It's time.

June 27, 2012


    I realized today that I have been quite a slacker and not caught up on my blog in so time. I really have no good excuse at all. But I reckon it's about time to get things up to speed here!
    First off, life in the Dunham household has changed. Jeremy started a new position and now has a NORMAL person's schedule. No more shiftwork for QUITE some time now. All we have known our entire relationship is a shiftwork schedule, needless to say, this is quite an adjustment. We are adapting to this new schedule rather well in my opinon. He even likes it better after fretting he wouldn't!
     Second, this weekend is a NEW adventure for the Dunham duo. It will be MY first time tent camping. We are going on a float trip with some pals and camping, like real camping. And it's going to be 100 plus degrees outside, yes, one-hundred DEGREES and I will be in tent. All I can say is thank GOD for vodka and good friends. Oh, and did I mention that for the float Team Fabulous will be in a canoe?? Yah, first time there too. If I come back married after this weekend it truly is meant to be!
       Lastly, I think I am hitting another sort of wall/crisis/turning point, whatever you choose to call it. I have been doing WW for some time now and liking it. It has made me  note my eating habits. It's been great, but I think I have learned what I need. I have slipped back a bit exercise wise to mostly running and less weights and to be honest I am not the biggest fan of the way the body is right now. Lack of muscle...again....and at one point I WAS getting somewhere with that muscle develeopment. But, since I decided I don't like where I am at, I decided all I can do is CHANGE it. So that's what I am setting out to do. I have already started a training program that I really like. I still incorporate running because I can't give that up completely, it is my Prozac, but I am adding more weights.
      Now, with said weight training plan, I want to SEE results and I have overcome my stubborn side (me no way!) and realized that to get the results I want to see I am going to have to fuel myself better. A lot better. So, it's time to change it up. Now, with this comes slight confusion becuase there are four-hundred million articles on what to eat, when to eat, how to eat, and everything in between when it comes to weight training. So, while I do glance at some articles that seem to apply, I mostly have been reaching out to friends I know who either know a lot on the topic or who have habits I admire. And of course, me being me, I orderd a book on the topic that had good reviews.
       I think I am just hitting these "blinding realizations" more and more as I head towards the Big 3-0, realizing that if I want to do something to do it. TO STOP giving into my insecurities that have been around most of my twenties. To finally, really want to be healthy in many ways. I guess this is what one calls growing up and I am doing it. I want to chronicle it more on here, cause I think it will help. So I will try my best to do so, whether you are interested or not it may be on here!
    So that is what is new in Dunhamland....just a few new things and changes. Tonight is an exciting trip to Wal-Mart for me and the Mister to load up for the float trip. Wish me luck....with Wal-Mart, the canoe, the heat......in the words of Mr. Jimmy Buffett "Come Monday, it'll be alright...."

June 7, 2012

The Week That Never Ends

     O.M.G. it has been a long week. Not sure what is in the air but I know I am not the only person feeling this way. I don't know what it is, but Friday can go ahead and get here already.
     One thing that has been rather different this week is Jeremy's new schedule with work. He accepted a new position at his department and is now working a Monday through Friday shift which is something that has never been the norm at our house. We have always been a couple on a shift-work schedule so this is going to be new. I will report as time goes on how both parties are adjusting....one thing I know is that the pups will love it.
     Even though the week is dragging on like none other, we do have fun plans this weekend. My parents bought Jeremy and I really great seats for the Cardinals game on Saturday night. These particular tickets include all you can drink beer (a fave of Jeremy's) but I plan to enjoy more than a few myself along with the nacho bar! Tortilla chips...YES PLEASE!!! But we are staying in St. Louis that evening as well (safer, much safer) so it's kind of like a mini getaway. At least I get to sleep in a bed that lacks dog hair!
    So, Friday can hurry up and come my way, cause I do have fun things to get to! Hope you all have a fabulous Summer weekend as well!