June 29, 2012

The Honest and Ugly Truth (This could be lengthy)

   So, it hit me yesterday that I have not been honest with myself or on this blog for a very long time. Well I haven't been honest with myself longer since the blog has only existed a few months. I digress, I realized that while I have said I want to change and that I am trying, I really haven't been. I  haven't been honest about all my thoughts, feeelings, and attempts to get better. Basically, I have gone through the motions, and while I have made some improvements, I am not where I want to be or need to be, or even really sometimes where I have said I am. So, here it goes, here are ALL the truths about my whole hot mess self, the good, bad and ugly:

 1. I really do like food. I do.
 2. I am scared of food. I let it have power over me.
 3. I really do want to learn to cook. I even have a stash of cookbooks at home, unopened nonetheless.
 4. I have a sweet tooth. My Grandma's italian creme cake is my absolute favorite.
 5. I do really like tofu. Honestly. Try it.
 6. I tend to stay in bad food patterns because I get scared to branch out. Often out of fear of  "getting fat".
 7. I know that if I fuel myself better I will see results I want  to see. I also know I would feel better overall. But for some reason I stop myself. Everytime.
 8. I know if I let myself follow the idea of "everything in moderation" I would be much more satisfied and   my cravings I get sometimes (very badly) would cease.
9.  Letting go of all these issues is scary. They have been ingrained so long. They are a part of me.
10. I want people who have been close to me through this to really stop addressing that I have these issues, to help me move forward. To stop acknowledging it.
11. I want more than anything a balance between nutrition, food, exercise, life.
12. I feel overwhelmed with the amount I read and have read on what, when, how, to eat. I really want to create my own path in this.
13. I know that I can really do this. I hold myself back everytime for reasons I really can't explain.
14. I do not want these issues to effect my life anymore. I don't want them to have control.
15. After all of the therapy, nutrition advice, counseling, training, I have finally realized I will be ok with all this if I commit to it. And let go of some things.
16. I know in my heart it is time to let go of this. That it really is "old news" (sounds like something Mom would say).
17. I do not want to say the words "I am trying" one more time and be lying
18. I really would like to adhere to the 80/20 lifestyle principle.
19. I would eventually love to help others who have been through similar cirumstances. I am even considering getting a personal training certification.
20. I become more and more frustrated with myself and angry with myself the longer I stay in this pattern. Sometimes it feels like being locked in my own jail cell in my head.
21. I do like to track my food and exercise. And some days I hate it.
22. I want to be able to eat out at a restaurant and not worry. Not fuss. Not think about the calories. To order what I want. Enjoy the company.
23. I want to be at parties and not fuss about the goodies I eat.I want to be able to enjoy myself, the party, the people all while listenening to my body. To not starve myself basically all day because I know I will be indulging and then later when I do indulge, feel bad about myself. Or feel overly miserably stuffed.
24. I want to enjoy vacations and little staycations and not fuss about squeezing in exercise.
25. I know that if I let go of this, the stress of this, that I will feel better about it all, about myself, about my body. I am my own stressor. My own worst enemy of sorts.
26. I want to be at peace with myself. I want to be at peace with food. I want to be at peace with my body.

     So there it is. All laid out for the world to see. This is scary. I have never even opened up and said these thoughts to people who have been closest to me through this all including my therapist and nutritionist. But, I feel I need to put it out there to make myself accountable, to read it and see that it really is time to change. I am putting it all on the line and hoping someone out there helps to hold me accountable. Any takers? I also hope that if someone else is going through even something remotely similar that this, that I, helped them. As a close friend of mine and I always say "I'm over it" and I am. I really am going to try to be. It's time.

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